| i say bravo to california on same sex marriage |
[17 Jun 2008|01:49am] |
this issue really has no hugely significant effect on my life, but try as i might with a my own very non-partial and open-minded point of view, i can't for the life of me understand why anyone would so fervently take opposition to the legal right of gay people to get married.
in my mind, to oppose this right is simply to oppose the "pursuit of happiness" of a significant portion of the american population, a happiness which has no directly harmful intentions towards anyone. how can any person who values the freedoms and rights we americans enjoy be so opposed to the happiness of a fellow citizen and human being? i've heard all the arguments and i just don't get it!
i can accept moral and religious objections to the idea, but isn't the notion that those kind of objections can't restrict basic freedoms supposed to be the major cornerstone of american freedom?
i rarely voice my detailed opinion on a political issue, generally because most issues seem to me to have decent arguments on both sides, but on this one i just thought i'd say good for california for taking a step to nurture rather than hinder the happiness of human beings.
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| nighttime songs under the stars of san rafael |
[27 May 2008|11:13pm] |
i posted this in a bulletin on myspace awhile back but figured i do it here too because i love this album so much...
old war shirt's first full length album called "nighttime songs under the stars of san rafael" is now available!!!
a little background on old war shirt and why i'm here promoting the album...
back in the not so distant past, old war shirt was called satellite class. during the early era of the band i was simply a fan and friend. slings/satellite class shows were a common occurrence and we always thought of them as our favorite band. through a series of events around about a year and a half ago, i found myself playing as a member of the satellite class live band and my slings band mate/brother in law/best friend david was also suddenly in the band too! oh what a glorious and wonderful privilege it was (and continues to be) to be playing all of those songs i already loved so much. a bunch of shows followed and all the while jon cournoyer (the man who is the band) was finishing up his epic and amazing album. he changed the band name to old war shirt and now here we are.
simply put, jon is one of my favorite songwriters ever. i'm not kidding, as far as i'm concerned he's up there with all the great ones. obviously i've had the full album for awhile now and it has probably been the music that i've listened to most consistently over the past year or so. there's a really amazing quality to the songs on this album that can't be denied. musically, there's a great mix of folky, acoustic rhythms with bright, catchy melodies. i guarantee the guitar and vocal melodies on this album will plant themselves in your brain, never to leave again. you will be singing and humming along to yourself almost immediately. lyrically, these songs will have you crying and laughing almost at the same time. i'm constantly amazed by the clever and witty ways jon uses words to explore the whole spectrum of emotions. it's one of those albums that will constantly have you wondering how he is able to say what you feel so accurately and so much better than you ever could.
okay enough. hands down, one of my favorite albums ever.
after that review how can you resist? especially considering the fact that there are 22 songs on the album! this is totally worth it and you owe it to yourself to get a copy.
to get the album, you can write directly to jon from the old war shirt myspace profile here or on the website here. it's also available on cdbaby here and itunes.
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| "the brothers karamazov" by fyodor dostoevsky |
[27 May 2008|11:10pm] |
probably the best book i've ever read. highly recommended.
book 6 of part 2 (the russian monk) should be required reading for all humankind.
"sometimes even if he has to do it alone, and his conduct seems to be crazy, a man must set an example, and so draw men's souls out of their solitude, and spur them to some act of brotherly love, that the great idea may not die."
interesting side note: in the book i just started (the wind up bird chronicle), the brothers karamazov is referenced on page 35. what are the chances?!
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[17 Apr 2008|12:12am] |
the loneliness has been particularly palpable these past few nights. it's okay though. sometimes, in some strange and hard to describe way, the feeling of being lonely sort of inspires me. i don't know, it's as if it gives me an immediate, tangible reason to reflect on my life in a constructive way. it invites me to take a look at myself and make notes about what's wrong and why. ironically enough, i think this current bout of loneliness was hatched by my efforts to do something productive.
i've decided to undergo a beautification project in the back patio area of my apartment. it's a small area (about 6 ft x 25 ft) and in all the years i've lived here, it has never been used for anything but a nighttime bathroom for kazu and a habitat for all sorts of weeds to flourish. i thought it would be a fun project to clean it up, build a deck and do a little landscaping back there. i think it's probably very common for lonely people to take refuge and maintain a level of motivation in projects like this. so over the past week or so, i've been cleaning up, pulling weeds, buying materials and prepping my little project. as of right now, i'm officially ready to start construction of the deck and fence. it's amazing how much time i've spent thinking about it, drawing little plans, taking measurements and making mental notes about everything i need from start to finish. i think it will be really nice when it's done.
but of course, when the sun goes down and physical work ceases, i'm left with my thoughts. inevitably they come around to the question of why the hell i would invest so much time, effort and money into something that will hardly ever be enjoyed by anyone except me? of course, doing something like this will hopefully inspire me to invite other people to my place more often, but i am realistic and i know that most likely this won't happen. i guess i'm really just doing it for my own benefit and enjoyment. in a lot of ways it seems weird for me to be doing this because i don't even really spend that much time at home. maybe it's just an excuse for me to do something creative, which is perfectly fine too, but i can't seem to escape that little party pooper of a voice in my brain that keeps saying this would be so much more fun if there was only someone else to share it with.
ah whatever, at least i will be sharing the process of building it with someone because david is gonna help me. i'm looking forward to doing it. below are the before photos and also a pretty crude rendering i did in photoshop showing what i hope it will look like when finished. of course i'll post photos of the final result when it's done.
 
 
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| m.s. garvey's "letters to the president" |
[26 Nov 2007|01:30pm] |
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music |
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bob dylan: "simple twist of fate" |
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if any of the following interests you: live music, poetry, politics, bees, anti-war activism, spoken word, ice cream, theater, dada, comedy, toast, rock and roll, blues, george w. bush, the first amendment, protest, democracy, peace, unusual musical instruments, eggs and bacon, improvisation, a large man with some crazy dance moves, etc...
then you should really consider checking out the information below. i can give my personal guarantee that you will be entertained and stimulated by this amazing show. i've been involved in this performance off and on for the past couple of years or so and i really stand behind it as an intelligent and creative approach to gaining some sort of perspective on our current war in iraq. i'm not an overly political person myself and i never quite know exactly where i stand on something like the war and all of it's complexities. i actually have a tendency to be somewhat turned off by in your face anti-bush/anti-war forms of expression. but this is different. there is no mistaking the fact that garvey is against the war and bush's decisions in instigating and perpetuating it, but there is a very personal and human element to his performance, which consists of reading some of the over 130 letters he has written to george bush during his presidency. his letters are often more like poetry than anything else and he touches on feelings and emotions we all experience from time to time, whether in relation to our every day lives or in pondering the fact that people are dying horrible deaths every day on the other side of the world in a war we're directly involved in. sometimes the letters are funny and other times he can pull the listener down into a very dark place with his words. no matter what your stance on things is, you'll find something here that touches you, makes you think or, strangely enough will make you want to dance. we add music to his words, turning the letters into songs and at any point, the whole thing can turn into a straight up hootenanny or rock and roll show. i'm excited and proud to be a part of it all. with that said, here's a sort of online press kit about the show i put together:
my good friend m.s. garvey's spoken word/musical performance called "letters to the president" has been picked up for a 2 weekend run of shows in november and december. i will be performing as part of the back up band, aka the hootenanny all stars. it's very exciting for all of us and should really be a lot of fun. i've been a part of this performance many times in the past and it's always a very entertaining, unpredictable and fun experience.
in addition to myself, the hootenanny all stars will consist of jon cournoyer of the amazing satellite class, the incomparable bob rokos, the incredibly talented nicolas barry and tomas jacobi who run a recording studio called circle of sound and nicholas staub with his fast hands on the drums.
the first show is on november 29th and the last one is on december 9th. it will be held at the electric lodge in venice.
all information about the show, including more details about the performance, the performers and a cool trailer can be found at the letters to the president website. you can buy tickets there too. 10% of each ticket sold will be donated to wounded warriors, an organization dedicated to helping severely injured service men and women. if you want to buy tickets at the door the night of the show, bring cash!
also, garvey's myspace has a couple of letters/songs to listen to and another cool video.
last week, garvey and the rest of the guys (unfortunately without me because i had to work) did a live interview and set on "is good" with jon hershfield on killradio.org. you can listen to the entire show here and watch a great video from the session here.
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| my 30th birthday party photos |
[20 Nov 2007|11:01pm] |
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music |
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satellite class: "someone" |
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a couple of weeks ago i crossed over into my 30th year of existence in this universe. surprisingly, i'm not too depressed about it. or maybe, it's just that i'm no more depressed now than i was when i was 29. ha. seriously though, i actually feel pretty good about my life in a general sense right now, which has sort of been a rare feeling for me over these past few years. sure, there's plenty about myself that causes in me some sort of frustration, disappointment or at least a vague sense of longing. my life is certainly not in a state that i wish it was or had ever hoped it would be, but what the shit, it is what it is. if nothing else, i'm pointed uphill right now and slowly creeping forward with optimistic feelings about speeding up. in the months leading up to my birthday, i think i sort of emotionally prepared myself for turning 30. it's such a stupid thing to place special significance on specific birthdays, but after all, i am still just a mechanical product of society, programmed to be concerned about certain things and their relation to my age. accepting and understanding this fact was the first step in telling myself i better get ready for 30 so i wouldn't be too self-judgmental and negative about myself. as always, the amazing love and support of my family and friends is what helps me keep things in perspective and on a positive wavelength. this was especially true the night before my birthday, when david, dillon and alex took me golfing and then brought me back home to a big surprise party! i don't know why i thought my family actually would obey my request to not make a big deal out of my birthday. knowing them, i should have guessed otherwise! i truly was surprised, not only that they were indeed conspiring behind my back to throw a party, but also at just how many people were at the party. it was such a fun night and a really wonderful reminder of just how many good things and amazing people i am privileged to have in my life. i was genuinely touched by everyone's presence. thank you so much to all who were there! greg brought his studio camera setup and we all took some pretty great photos together:
ah to feel young again
( click here for all the photos! )
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[04 Oct 2007|12:23am] |
i'm reminiscing about the good old days when i used to update this journal all the time. i wonder what happened. i used to really enjoy writing here and it felt good for me too. it's not like my brain ever stopped producing all those tumultuous thoughts that used to fuel this fire. nope, quite the contrary in fact. it still overflows daily. i guess it all just spills out uselessly now, or more likely, just recycles itself back into the rickety old tumbler that is my head. i don't know. maybe i'm getting lazy in my old age. speaking of which, my 30th birthday is bearing down hard, preparing to strike me with all it's might. imagine what wonders that works for my torturous self-reflecting tendencies! maybe it'll inspire me to write here more often. haha, we'll see.
the word torturous brings to mind a film project that i just worked on last month. it consumed a good 3-4 weeks of my life. with long hours and big challenges, it was a tough one, but in the end it all worked out and it was actually pretty fun. it was directed by forest whitaker (who is a very cool guy by the way) and was a short film that will be shown on the internet as part of a promotional introduction to an online video game that mountain dew is creating. i know, it sounds kind of confusing. i probably shouldn't even be writing about it yet. when the game launches sometime within the next couple of months it should all be more clear, even to me. anyways, it was a cool shoot, with stunts, car crashes, skateboarding and other various interesting elements. it was certainly more exciting than a lot of the other crap i've worked on. i was so busy throughout the whole thing that i didn't get a lot of chances to take pictures, but here are a couple:
other than that, there hasn't been anything too crazy going on in my life. we are almost finished recording the first slings album, which has been a really fun process. if all goes well, it should be done within the next month or two. we're really trying not to rush things and putting a lot of time and energy into making it the best possible thing it can be, but of course we are anxious to get it done and share it with everyone. you will all definitely be hearing about it when it's done.
i recently joked with a friend that everything in my life is either band or work related. ha, i guess this entry supports that observation!
of course, there's tons of stuff on my mind, but i'm not gonna get into it now. maybe another time soon. but seeing as how every other time my announced plans of updating livejournal more often resulted in the exact opposite, i'm not promising anything.
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| england trip photos...finally! |
[19 Jun 2007|02:06am] |
it was almost three months ago now that i went to england and i've been meaning to post some photos from the trip here ever since. in what seems to be a frustratingly recurring phenomenon in my life, that task got added to a never ending and constantly growing to-do list that teases and taunts me every day. well i finally get to cross it off the list.
i wish i could give a day by day recollection of the trip. i did write down roughly what we did every day, but that notebook is out in the car and i don't feel like going out there in my underwear right now. plus, if i did do that, i'd probably be here typing for hours. i'll let the photos do the talking.
of course, it was a really fun trip and we saw and did so many cool things. i had a huge list of stuff i wanted to do and we only ended up getting to about half of it, but that's okay because i will definitely make it back there again someday.
there are A LOT of photos in this post, so i put them all behind a cut:
( click here for the goods! )
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[12 Oct 2006|01:49am] |
well damn. hard to believe it's almost been three months since i last updated this journal. there's a reason. i actually started a real entry a couple of days ago, but was too tired to finish it. soon.
for now, here's a photo of me and my brother posing with two beautiful and perfectly working organs that we bought at thrift stores in idaho a few months ago. total cost for the two: $140. not bad! the only problem is that they're still in idaho, sitting in a garage. my grandpa is gonna bring them down next time he visits us though.
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| look at pictures, feel better |
[18 Jul 2006|12:01pm] |
i've decided that i'm not gonna worry too much about all of my problems and worries and struggles in life since world war 3/the apocalypse/the end of all humanity is obviously getting started over in the middle east right now.
so here's something to enjoy, more photos from carly wedding:
carly and david's wedding
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| wedding photos! |
[04 Jul 2006|11:27am] |
i don't think any written words can really do justice to the experience of carly and david's wedding: the days leading up to it, the actual event and the aftermath. it was truly a whirlwind of fun times, family, friends, high emotions and other assorted craziness. overall, a truly wonderful experience. i probably will try to capture some of it in words sometime soon here, but for now (partly because i'm working and partly because i'm intimidated by the task), i'll just post a handful of the photos i took during the day before and the day of the wedding. of course, there were literally thousands of photos taken over the weekend and surely the best ones were taken by greg and alex who did the official photography for the wedding, but this batch sort of gives a sense of the family, friends, food and fun that were part of it all. when i get the really good photos from greg, i'll post some of the best ones here. unfortunately there are none of the actual ceremony here now since i was in the wedding party and obviously couldn't take photos during it.
i don't want to get too specific because i know there's no way i can remember every little detail right now, but there were so many wonderful people whose amazing help and support made the wedding an incredibly special experience. there's really no possible way of thanking you all enough, but i'd still like to offer my own word of gratitude for everything that everyone did to help, both physically and emotionally. we truly love you all!
( carly and david's wedding )
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| written history/poetic nonsense |
[01 Jun 2006|01:32am] |
last night, before crawling into bed at the usual ridiculously late hour, i decided to rummage through a box that has been sitting on one of my bedroom bookshelves, probably untouched since i moved in to this apartment. in addition to a bunch of other random bits of history and nostalgia, the box contained the first notebook that i started during my freshman year in college to collect my random writings in. it was strange and funny flipping through it, seeing where my thoughts were at that time, transporting myself back to the memories of what inspired me to write then. it seems at first, i had a tendency towards abstract, impersonal imagery and somewhat politically charged themes. then at some point, the writing turned more towards girls: my observation of, desire for and inability to approach. this inevitably led into more general concerns and reflections about my inadequacy as a person and my fear of the future. though sometimes embarrassing both in word choice and subject matter, i was surprised at how a lot of the writings seemed to retain some sort of charm and a sad, but sometimes funny nostalgic quality. it's really hard to believe that most of that writing was done over ten years ago. just for the hell of it, i decided to share a few of the poems here. i promise i did not change anything about them, though i certainly was tempted to! maybe i'll share more later.
this one represents one of my first attempts at writing a love poem. for whatever reasons, i never really had any serious romantic feelings about girls in high school, at least not anything that inspired me to actually take pen to paper. during my freshman year of college, i was flooded with these kinds of thoughts and feelings, maybe because i was suddenly surrounded by such a large number of females that were attractive to me in one way or another. this particular poem was about a TA in a musicology class on beethoven. jesus, i can still remember her name: francesca draughon. thinking back now, i can't even really say what it was about her that i found so appealing. she was attractive no doubt, but just had a very plain look to her. maybe it was her chosen field of study or maybe the way she talked. i really can't remember. i never even met her or interacted directly with her in any way. she did inspire me to do something that i had never done before though. when the quarter was over, i somehow mustered up the courage to email her a poem i had written about her. it was not the following poem however. i couldn't find it in the notebook, so it must be in another one somewhere. i thought it was a pretty good poem, but i never got a reply of any kind. ha. anyways, i can remember thinking about her a lot and really looking forward to going to that class, but of course, nothing ever came of my feelings. they faded away after the class had ended and rekindled themselves in my frustrated admiration of a handful of other girls.
I never did like high ceilings
or had much trouble expressing my feelings.
But the day she strolled across my stage
I felt like a monkey in a towering cage.
Her name so foreign, made my tongue tickle.
My heart turned to mush like a soggy pickle.
Wait, I think she noticed me, or was it a dream?
Suddenly I'm Hamlet and it makes me want to scream.
To infatuation I usually don't succumb,
but her magical mayhem has turned me dumb.
I'm an explorer in a new piece of my heart.
I feel like I'm navigating in a busted shopping cart.
Everything about her sparks my fascination
and only a couple times the object of masturbation.
From my cliff to hers lays Ludwig outstretched,
our only connection so far as I've fetched.
this next one isn't too abstract by any means. honestly, if you just threw in a couple of broken heart images, this could be something i wrote last week. apparently, even as far back as when i wrote this, i struggled with a sense of fear in my ability to be the person i really wanted to be and my self-imposed feelings of inadequacy in facing the future. the line that really jumped out to me here when i read it last night is the part about "what could've been." i have no idea if something specific inspired those words at the time, but it's kind of crazy to think of them in terms of what was to come in my future. by the way, all of these writings were done before i even knew kim existed in the world.
Maybe my shell isn't so hard
I can't explain the feelings
Something missing...
Something wanted...
Inadequacy keeps kicking me in the ass
An unfunctioning machine
in a world where the machines make
Futures...
Thoughts of what could've been
haunt my inner fortune teller
I watch the ground in between
the footsteps of the passers-by
Why look at faces?
They're useless to me anyway
I roll through them
leaving probably nothing in my wake
but a few rearranged twigs
i still like this next one a lot. i was aware of the love song of j. alfred prufrock before college but never really examined it closely until i studied it in a poetry class freshman year. it was then that i really identified with the sadness and frustration in the poem. that was obviously the initial inspiration i had to start writing this. i can actually remember writing this as kind of a stream of consciousness piece, like one big, wandering thought. i purposely tried to write each line as fast as i could, not thinking too long about what to write next (that's probably obvious). i tried to rhyme words as often as possible and avoided getting fancy with anything. originally i just wrote it as one long sentence, filling each line of the paper before going to the next. i only broke it down in a more vertical way here to make it easier to read. again, the themes are not too hidden: i'm a sad, sorry fool, afraid of everything and incapable of so much.
Became a Prufrock,
or maybe always was,
only he got out more than me,
no cups to drown in here,
whether tea or beer,
not fear,
or maybe insincere,
to myself always true,
but truth has ways of hiding,
hiding beneath the comfort of not doing anything,
so easy,
yet so difficult,
to sit,
to watch,
to think of what if,
my grains sift,
down down down the hole,
but what's the difference,
I'm happy,
just not complete,
I can't compete,
no great feats,
I don't want to repeat,
untie my hands,
break my chains,
tear off my muzzle,
I might bark,
probably not though,
definitely won't bite,
with myself I fight,
try to set my sights,
repetitive nights,
searching for the light,
but no need to search,
I see it right there,
floating in thin air,
asking me if I care,
but I open my mouth,
and it won't speak my mind,
and that's when I find,
I might as well be blind,
must have been a pact I signed,
but I don't remember,
I can't remember.
this last one was not written by me, but by my friend since the 4th grade, danny zorick. it was in the notebook, printed and folded up. i think he had emailed it to me or something. i honestly can say that he was probably the first person that really inspired me to want to write with his disturbing and hilarious stories and poems in high school. he was the first peer i had that just wrote for the hell of it, constantly filling up little notebooks with the warped thoughts that seemed to overflow out of his brain. i liked so much of his writing, but for some reason, this poem remains one of my favorites. i love the element of humor in it and the constant, sometimes frantic emotional movement throughout, as well as the neurotic organization of thoughts. i always thought his loose grasp on grammatical correctness added a wonderful element to his writing and that is on display here somewhat. he used to want me to correct his writing but i never would do it. in fact, i was often jealous of his "bad" grammar. i never asked him what this poem was about specifically, afraid that he might ruin it by saying it was about running out of diet pepsi (a serious addiction of his at the time) while staying up all night writing a school paper. obviously the "juice" can represent so many things depending on who is reading it and what they're experiencing in life at the time. the third verse gets me every time i read it. this poem really means a lot to me.
Sleepless Sleep
by Danny Zorick
I'm running low on juice
Don't know if tomorrow'll come
I'd of loved to be a doctor
The thought of power over lives is...
Well, I'm out of juice now
I'm out of juice
I wonder if it'll rain soon
That'd be as good a day as any to...
So beautiful...I wish...Ah! No more...
Shit...I'm out...
I'm out of...
I'm in need of...smiling days...
Rain'd be grand tomorrow
Water and tears mix so...
I wish I wasn't...I'm out of juice.
No more juice!
Ah, a life among the cracks in the walls.
Look there! See she and I together.
Ah! There's no one there.
I need it, but I'm out.
I'm out of juice...damn!
In cracks we loved avidly...
Huh, did we ever live blissfully.
If only we did...no cracks suited...
I'm out of it.
No more juice in reach!
Can't sleep...have to wake up tomorrow...
Need my report...where'd she go?
Love! Where are you?
Ah, no more of it!
I'm all out of juice.
Lover! Bring me you, the juice!
Ah, never any juice!
Need to be there tomorrow.
But no juice is around.
I have no juice.
Stick me already!
Have to waken soon...the report...
Lover...the report...need you.
Missing, forever, is juice.
Lost juice.
Ah, lover I'm sulkily dying...report...
Ah! The sweet pain...sleep now...love...
Oh juice I need...help me to...love...sleep...
No juice, never.
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[19 May 2006|12:19pm] |
i'm going to another wedding tomorrow. this time it's my friend brad, who i know from high school, but really became good friends with when we were at ucla together. since we graduated, we haven't spent very much time together so we've grown somewhat distant, but for about three and a half years in college, we were extremely close and spent an almost unhealthy amount of time together. i would still consider him to be one of my best and closest friends even now. it's very safe to say that many of the most enjoyable and memorable moments in my life were spent with him and my other good friend noah. i certainly laughed harder with those fuckers than pretty much anyone else i've ever known.
i have to say it was somewhat of a surprise to hear that he was getting married. i did meet his fiance once at a detroit bar slings show he brought her to (they were just dating then) and at another show recently he talked to me about how they were getting pretty serious, but when i heard the news that they were getting married, i was shocked because it didn't seem like they had been together that long. but like i said, we don't spend much time together, so i don't really have any idea about what's going on in his life. i guess maybe it's just weird that he is getting married to someone i don't even know at all. also, i think there's some sense of surprise and shock, mixed in with a bunch of other different emotions, in hearing that he's getting married because he's one of the few friends i have that is close to my age (he's about a month older than me). of course, this factor creates all sorts of self reflective thoughts and feelings for me about where i'm at in my own life compared to where i would ideally want to be, and not just in regards to being in a relationship either.
as would be expected, it's certainly not only the situation of my friend brad that inspires such thoughts. i mean i already torture myself constantly with the pressures and self-imposed expectations of life and how i never feel like i'm living up to my own ideal vision of what and who i should be...and yes, this mental and emotional behavior was absolutely and immeasurably enhanced by what happened with kim (jesus, almost three and a half years ago). but in the past few years, i have seen so many people fulfilling for themselves some of the aspirations and goals that i don't see myself attaining any time soon. specifically, and in keeping with the theme of this entry, i'm referring to aspirations having to do with relationships, marriage, family, children, etc.
all but one of the good friends from high school that i have kept in touch with are married and all but one of them have kids. the ones with kids are mormon so i guess in a way, they don't really count, but still. in addition to that, one of the women my mom works with is the mom of a guy i went to high school with, so she is constantly hearing news about who's married now and who has kids, news that of course trickles down to me. one of the main guys i work with, who is a couple years older than me, got married about three years ago and just had a son less than a year ago. our friend josh from the band ann lynn, just had his second kid and one of the guys that works at home depot with david and alex, who i would consider a friend, just had a son. then of course, andy married jenn a couple weeks ago, the first wedding of this cluster including his, brad's and culminating with the big daddy: carly and david's at the end of june. so in a sense, i have been bombarded with happy news and experiences of holy matrimony, marital bliss and beautiful babies over the past few years.
now i'm not necessarily one for tradition or doing things in the expected way, so it's not like i feel ashamed or inadequate that i'm nearing the end of my 20s (a time i think most people see as the ideal time to get married and start a family) and i'm as single as i could possibly be with enough emotional baggage to keep me that way for who knows how long. but it is definitely some source of mental concern and depressing thoughts for me. the feelings that i'm just kind of starting to touch on here are certainly very similar to a lot of the crap i've filled this livejournal up with over the past couple of years, very complex, disorganized, frustrating, confusing and extremely difficult to explain in words. i'm sure most people share the feeling that getting older kind of sucks and can really serve to amplify any personal pressures we put on ourselves to be happy and succeed in life. there's a lot of that going on for me right now. as always, work sucks, but i'm kind of trapped in a position where making money and getting out of debt has become a primary motive so i put up with it the best i can. i'm constantly haunted by loneliness but still don't really feel any strong desire to pursue a relationship with someone. or maybe i do, but i'm just confused and hesitant for so many reasons, some obvious, some not so obvious. but that's a whole other journal entry that i'll save for later.
there have been times during these past couple of weeks that i've really felt depressed, i'd say as depressed as i've ever felt. the reasons have never been really specific and all of my tactics that i usually turn to in an effort to cheer myself up have not worked. i don't know what it is. i definitely don't think it's just coincidence that these feelings are surfacing in the midst of all the marriage stuff. maybe there's something to the fact that me and kim had always said we would wait to get married until she was out of school and i believe that she should be graduating this year. but it's not just that. in fact that's probably just a minor thought floating around in my brain somewhere and getting mixed up with everything else. who knows what my problem is. at times i have considered counseling or depression medication, but ultimately i don't think that's really the answer to why my thoughts are so troubling. but whatever the answer is, it is definitely elusive. i wonder if i'll ever find it.
whatever the case, i'll be at the wedding tomorrow and i'll be happy for brad and i'll enjoy the company of all of my friends and family who will be there. i'll just continue to fight the bad shit with the good shit. what else can i do?
at least there is something to be happy about: i now have tickets to both the smoking popes and the rentals! the fact that both of these bands are playing soon has to excite someone besides me right?
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| 4 photos for no reason |
[13 May 2006|10:34am] |
i've been trying to make more of an effort to take lots of photos lately. i find that i'm generally happier during periods of time when i take lots of pictures. here's a few from recently.
a typical night for me: my woman sleeping on the couch and some fine microwaveable dining.
this was one of those very rare moments when i'm thankful for standstill traffic on the freeway. the tweety bird is what really makes it special.
in downtown la, a mere five bucks can earn you a piece of art which just happens to serve the function of a cigarette lighter. i think we bought out all of the penis theme ones.
this is at the catholic super center right off the 101 freeway downtown. it's a pretty impressive and cool building. i can't imagine the millions that were spent in gods name to build it.
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| one down |
[13 May 2006|10:27am] |
andy and jenn's wedding was last saturday. for various reasons i'm not gonna say a lot about it here, but i will say two things. first of all, i consider andy to be one of my best and closest friends. the wedding of one of your closest friends should feel like a major emotional event right? for me, again for various reasons, it just wasn't that kind of experience. it was nice and pleasant and all that, just not the emotional lovefest that you would and should expect it to be. secondly, having said all that, there was one moment that touched me. right after the actual marriage ceremony, everyone was heading over to the reception area and i went to help greg take some pictures of andy and jenn with their families. andy was already there and i walked up to him and gave him a hug. his embrace was so strong and firm that it almost squeezed the breath out of me. it was one of those hugs that communicates a true feeling of love and affection, not just an informal gesture of friendship. i almost cried at that moment. i really care about andy and love him and i wish him real happiness in his life.
here's a few photos from the wedding. when i got there i saw greg running around sweating and out of breath with two cameras around his neck (he was the wedding photographer), so i offered to help him out and ended up taking a bunch of photos with one of his cameras. i didn't take many with my own.
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[02 May 2006|11:58pm] |
i have a pain in my ass tonight...literally. it feels like a pinched nerve or something in my right buttcheek. it's been bothering me all day and when i just bent down to pour some food in kazu's dish right now, i nearly collapsed to the ground!
there has been a noticeable and obvious decrease in the frequency with which i update my livejournal these days. last night i had this page up on the screen and ended up just closing it. i've been wondering if i've lost the desire, or maybe more accurately the need, to write here. upon further thought, i don't think that's it at all. it's the usual combination of being busy, being lazy and feeling that anything i've written here is just pointless and repetitive anyways. but, i do enjoy it, so i will continue.
this entry won't be long. i was gonna do a quick update on everything that's been going on in the past few months of my life, but i better get some sleep because i have to get up early for work. seems like i've had a more difficult time than usual waking up lately.
anyways, i would like to clarify one thing. i am not in vancouver and i am not going to vancouver for an extended period of time. that probably doesn't make sense to many people, but a few have asked me about it, so just wanted to clear things up. for the last couple months of 2005, i was almost completely convinced that i was going to new york city for up to 6 months to work on a movie called by any means necessary, starring al pacino. some shit fell through and they couldn't agree on pacino's wages, so they moved onto another project. this movie, called shooter and starring mark wahlberg, is currently in pre-production in vancouver. until about a month ago, i was almost completely convinced that i was going to vancouver for up to 6 months to work on that movie. my boss was actually up there for a few weeks, preparing to have me come up and join him. for reasons not completely known, the producer decided to replace my boss. i could use this opportunity to talk shit on my boss (which generally, he deserves), but honestly i think some ridiculous hollywood studio politics was behind the decision. i was half dissappointed and half relieved when i found out. i was looking forward to the experience for both the possible career related benefits and the fun aspects of it, but i'll admit i wasn't too thrilled about uprooting myself and detaching from my family, friends, slings, kazu, etc. for so long. it's yet another reminder of how fucked up and ridiculous the film industry is and how you can truly never trust anyone or be sure of anything with this stuff. so that's that. i'm still here with no plans of leaving for anywhere anytime soon.
well there's lots of other stuff to get into, maybe most significantly the various weddings i'm about to witness (carly and david, andy and jenn, my friend brad) and how my brain is processing them, but i'll save it for now. i'm gonna start updating more frequently, even if it's just to share some funny photo or something.
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[16 Mar 2006|12:04am] |
my friends greg and jessica let me borrow their canon digital rebel xt and i took these pictures of kazu with it. when i save up a little, that's the camera i want to get. ideally i'd like to get the canon 20d, but it's more expensive and it's really not that much better. the rebel xt takes some pretty damn good pictures! too bad i didn't have much time this past week to take more pictures.
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| reply to the comment in my last entry |
[08 Feb 2006|12:06pm] |
hello anonymous commenter. well let me just say you will be happy to learn that on the simplest, most basic level that i think most people understand of getting over a lost love, i truly have gotten over kim, "already." you might even be surprised to learn, in which case i assume you haven't read my livejournal since back when i first started it over two and half years ago, that this getting over process occurred long, long ago. now, it's important to understand that the "getting over" i speak of is simply the shedding and elimination of any desire or hope to rekindle a love with kim, to start again fresh with her, to win her affection a second time, to see her come back to me, to have the love we once shared together again, etc.
i guess the question now would be: is that what you meant? because if not, then i can only assume you meant that i should not think about her, not experience any negative feelings when i do think about her, not have any regrets/resentment/sadness/anger when i do think about her, not wonder what she thinks and feels now about everything, not let the past events and how they have affected the course of my life affect me in any negative or harmful way, etc. i really hope that's not what you meant. because if so, then you are one naive fool.
there's a reason i started off that journal entry with a reference to memory erasing pills. if you didn't make the connection, that's really the only thing that can possibly eliminate or reduce the power of bad memories in my head. and i'm completely willing to admit that maybe that's just me and that my mind just works differently than the minds of so many other people i know or have heard about who take a hit and just go back to square one and start again as if nothing ever happened. maybe i'm just not as well equipped to deal with loss as all of those people. or maybe i'm just too sensitive and sincere for my own good. or maybe, as i'm most inclined to believe, there are a lot of "happy" people running around with piles of emotional baggage swept under a dusty rug somewhere up in their brains, baggage that might unexpectedly emerge at any time and completely fuck some innocent bystander's life up real good. whatever the case, one thing i know for sure is that i, personally, do not possess the ability to forget bad memories and change the way they make me feel.
i once heard a theory, which consequently holds no truth or factual evidence, that if you take the length of a relationship and cut it in half, that's how long it will take to get over it in the event of a breakup. like i said, the theory is completely meaningless, but nevertheless i'm inclined to apply it to my own situation simply as means of reflection and perspective. it's just a week or two shy of being exactly three years since the shit first started to hit the fan with me and kim. that is well over half the time of the almost five year relationship we had. so how did i do according to the theory? pretty good i guess, considering i "got over" her very early on, when it started to become clear as to how fucked up she really was and how the person she had become, or maybe always was (refer to the emotional baggage statement above), was definitely not the kind of person i would want to be in a relationship with. but despite the ability to recognize that what was killed was indeed dead and certainly not ever coming back to life, i lacked (and still do lack) the ability to erase her from my mind. i can say without the slightest shred of doubt or speculation that i have had thoughts about kim each and every single day since that afternoon three years ago when she first said "we need to talk about stuff." now that's a lot of fucking thinking about someone i don't even see or communicate with at all. honestly, on so many levels she is someone i don't even want to know at all anymore. i wish i didn't think about her that much. the vast, vast majority of those three years worth of thoughts came into my head unexpectedly and univited.
so what am i to do? how am i to "get over" this aspect of my past life? does anyone have any ideas or advice? i have never been in objection to hearing such ideas and advice, so if you have something to share, by all means, please do! anyone who knows me personally or has read this journal with any frequency has a pretty good idea about what kind of person i am. i am very open-minded, eager to hear what others have to say, not easily offended by criticism or alternative opinions and most of all, i am hopeful and eager to create a life of true and real happiness for myself and everyone around me. i do not force myself to dwell on depressing shit from my past just to give me something to write about or a reason to feel sorry for myself and invite the pity of others.
as for you, my anonymous friend, i thank you for your comment. to me, it shows that on some level, you care enough about a stranger to take the time to not only read what i wrote, but to add some of your own words of encouragement. i have to admit i was a little turned off by the tone of the first sentence of your reply. it somehow seemed to assume my own desire to whine to others in self-pity. but the second sentence secured in me a confident knowledge that above all, you care about my well-being. i do "owe it to myself" to do whatever i can to be a happy person. shit, we all do and that goes without saying. but even more importantly, we all owe it to ourselves and everyone else we have to share this overcrowded world with to be honest and open with our thoughts and feelings, even if they do tread on negative ground sometimes. maybe by doing that more often, we can eliminate more situations in which people are faced with the dilemma of getting over anything at all. sorry if anything i wrote seemed like an attack or scolding because i certainly didn't mean any of it in that way. i truly do appreciate you sharing your thoughts and i hope you feel open to doing it again sometime. thanks in advance for sitting through this long-winded reply!
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[31 Jan 2006|10:30pm] |
why am i watching eternal sunshine of a spotless mind? i must want to be depressed or something. hey did anyone hear about the pills that are supposed to erase your memory, like for real? if so, please tell me what you know. i remember hearing something about that a couple of months ago or so.
it amazes me how powerful my bad memories can be sometimes. earlier tonight, driving down la brea on my way home from working in hollywood, i felt the slightest pull to turn right on pico as i passed it. that, of course, would have been the route i'd take when i used to drive by kim's apartment all the time. i don't know why that feeling or thought even entered my mind. i haven't done that in such a long time. i haven't even been in that area for so long. shit, i really wouldn't be surprised to find out she doesn't even live there anymore, considering how often people move around when they're in college. anyways, i didn't do it. i just kept on down to the 10 freeway and by the time i reached the robertson exit, which would have been my second option as a way to get to her place, the thoughts had left my head, drowned out by george bush's empty ramblings about the u.s. economy. what was amazing though was the chain reaction of memories, thoughts and feelings that the initial whim to turnon pico set off. it was like a sudden downpour of so much bad shit from such a bad time, some of it coming in really quick, vague flashes while some of it was more specific and stayed in my mind long enough for me to thoroughly soak it in. it wasn't just memories of the past either, but also the usual speculations about the present and future that are always so overwhelmingly depressing too. unfortunately, the whole incident kind of set my mood for the night.
however, now that eternal sunshine is over, there's a movie on called but i'm a cheerleader that's cheering me up and making me laugh. it's about a bunch of gay teenagers that get sent to a rehabilitation center to make them straight. it's kind of funny. and seeing cute girls stick their tongues in eachother's mouths doesn't exactly bring me down.
i received some news today that may serve to lift a weight off my chest i've been sort of stressing out over for the past couple of months. it may alleviate the burden, but not necessarily in the way that would be best for me. it's all related to my job. i'll divulge more when things become more certain. i'm not trying to be secretive or anything, just too lazy to write all about it right now.
oh hey, everyone should check out this documentary called grizzly man. some really weird, funny shit that's not meant to be. at least i don't think it is.
i'm losing my motivation to really make this entry all it can be, but before i stop i wanted to say there's a slings show tomorrow night (wednesday) at dipiazza's in long beach if anyone is interested.
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